My mind was erased. I am responsible for nothing.

the champagne of beers! champagne must suck…i wouldnt know…

…it feels like im doing something fundamentally wrong in life and its the root cause of my unhappiness…i cant quite put my finger on it…or even muster the effort to figure out what it is…

to be honest…i think that if i called, you wouldnt talk to me…part of me thinks that you’ll ignore this message or delete it without reading it…that makes me sad…i know when we talk i rarely say anything of substance…i apologize…its hard for me to talk about how i feel, especially sober…i know it’s pathetic…i’ve been working on it…whenever i felt scared or alone, which was more often than i’d like to admit, i thought of las vegas…it made me a good soldier…when you stopped talking to me in iraq, it broke my heart…i stopped caring about anything…to the point where people noticed and asked what was wrong…i lied and say nothing…i’d get up in the middle of the night and go up to the roof to be alone and feel sorry for myself…when you called me in alaska, it was such a shock that my reaction was to try and hurt your feelings, so i pretended not to recognize your voice…i’m really sorry…when i called you on new years, some guy called my phone…i assume that was your boyfriend…i sent you that text about getting rid of my dog tags…i don’t know if you got it or did it…it made me sad…i thought that was the end of us…the night before you sent me a friend request, i burnt all your pictures and vowed to get over you…i woke up and instantly regreted it…when i saw your request i felt even worse…i don’t know what to feel right now…on one hand, i want to say to hell with it and try to forget we met…on the other, i really want to make it work with you…i’ve always thought it wasn’t fair to you to have a long distance relationship…you’re young and it’s so much to ask…i don’t want to just be friends…i would always feel heartache and try to pinpoint how i fucked it all up whenever we talk or i see a picture of you…all or nothing…so…i’m leavng it up to you…in my opinion, it’s worth a shot…;)

…and im starting to understand my neighbors…they are a people of volume…blaring music, raised voices, unreasonably short tempers. quite my polar opposite. quick to confrontation or an easy escape. these people are consumed by emotion. if it feels good or will get u outside ur head, do it. fuck it. smoke it. drink it. snort it. shoot it. with blind fervor and somehow, apathy. knock someone up. knock someone out. fucking and fighting, its all the same. get ur fix…still, i cant help admiring them. the passion and presence within the moment…if the ends justify the means…and in the end, were all worm food…whats the harm?…

…was fucking retarded…except for the visual part…it looked exactly like iraq…everything else…retarded…two thumbs down…ridiculous…the end…

…for a lot longer than usual…and a lot closer than usual…to the point where i could see my reflection in my pupil…i know i drank a bottle of jack by myself…but there is still something that can be salvaged from this…i looked intently…my face twitched involuntarily…bloodshot and swollen…i’m allergic to mass quantities of booze…was it the look of someone who lied convincingly to even himself?…was it a look of barren honesty?…self-destruction or brilliance?…i’m scared…

we did an exercise where u had to pick who lives or dies…the worksheet gave a brief synopsis of peoples lives and u had to pick which ones got treatment and which bit it…i have strange attitudes about death that only apply to myself and a few others…if u speak another language and have a different culture which i precieve to be wrong i have no qualms about killing u…if ur only goal in life is to destroy the american way of life, my way of life…i will shoot u in the back and watch u bleed to death in the streets of ur home town with a smile no questions asked…but if i cant dehumanize u in such a manner…the equation is different…unsolvable…in which case i have no business judging who lives or dies…funny how that works….

…i put an ad on craigslist…it read as follows:(headline)…so for valentine’s day…23…kpr…(body)margaritas and a romantic movie at my place? lemme know…pic for pic…

Lol…I got a single response that wasn’t spam…she sent a reply and i gave her my number…we texted for a few hours…exchanged pics…she was actually decent looking…in the top half of the girls ive been with even…not surprisingly a single mom…with craigslist, u get either a fatty or a single mom…i prefer the latter due to the fact that i have a six pack…

Neways on the first nite of us texting she jumps to i dont want a one nite stand out of the blue which brings us to the topic of sex…she then invites me over after the kids are asleep and im too drunk too drive…a typical 10 pm for the both of us im sure…roomie is sympathetic enuf to give me a ride…i bring romantic movies and a sixer of top notch beer…

i arrive and feel akward…im finally meeting the person i was just so sexually forward wth over text…for me its an obstacle for reasons i cant fully explain…neways a while into the second movie i make my move…60% of the time it works every time…

i undress her and grope and suck like a depraved animal…my hand runs across scar tissue…tough and jaded in stark contrast with the soft and pleasant of the rest of her…a c-section scar…i then notice the doughiness of the rest of her stomach…i felt twisted for still wanting it…is that the shallow, responsible or both sides screaming for a reapprasal of what was going on…the animal side couldnt give a fuck less…spread the seed…shes fertile…i dont know wtf im doing or why…lol…

later…my fingers found more scar tissue…my fingers probed it quesioningly…

“its a chemical burn…”

perplexed i replied “oh” on your ass? i thought…actually spare me the story for now…

i finally slipped it in…the warmth and slickness were overwhelming…

my mind went back to the text:

“i hate 2 minute studs…”

fair enuff…my mind was so far elsewhere that it would be a challenge to get off besides theese distractions…in the missionary and in doggie i couldnt help but gawk at the roughened, used skin…

it was enuf to make me last over a half hour despite my born again virginity…

we still text but i dunno if anything can be salvaged…

…depravity and despiration are such ugly terms..as adults we can conceed that sex is a need…and now that the safety valve has been bled off and the animal inside me had been pacified and safely chained…where does that leave us…i dodge responsiblilty with all the agility of youth with no biological ties…

…i am damned…

Does no one identify with me? Cuz I’m fairly disappointed…

Why is she so effin hott?! If she did a shoot for Maxim I would totally buy it…and use it…